All That Glitters Is Not Golden (Globe)

The nominations for the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards were just announced, and voila, no sense was made. After the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA) nominated “The Tourist” last year, for like anything, it reinforced that this is all a glam sham. Nominations are directly related to NBC ratings. Viewers salivate to see hot celebs walk the red carpet with a plunging neckline or in a trim tux, and possibly even stagger on stage accepting an award after all the drinking that goes on table-side, and ratings soar. Don’t believe me? Here are some examples:

Leonardo DiCaprio – Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama, for “J. Edgar”

Is this a joke? Has anyone seen this movie? Has anyone in the HFPA seen this movie? THIS MOVIE IS A JOKE. So why would Leonardo DiCaprio be nominated? So all of his fangirls will tune in, of course. Apparently the HFPA is run by the same group that does the “Teen Choice Awards.”

“My Week with Marilyn” – Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical

Not quite… but Michelle Williams did have a fantastic performance in a movie that was neither comical nor musical. The HFPA is thinking, ‘we need her there, but we don’t have any more room in the Best Picture or Best Actress (Drama) nominations. Ehhhh let’s just throw her in for comedy and drama, no one will notice.’ Side note: I’m convinced these nominations are done at 3 a.m. the morning of.

By the way, Michelle is up against Kristin Wiig in this category. Some people are questioning why Melissa McCarthy is not nominated for “Best Supporting Actress,” regardless of comedy or drama. Conspiracy theorists say that the HFPA is aware that the “Golden Globes” is being broadcast on NBC, which is home to SNL… and NOT “Mike and Molly.” Dun, dun, DUNNN! I mean, I wouldn’t put it past them. This award show might as well be called “A Show Where You’ll Tune in to See People You Like from Shows on our Network 2012.”

“W.E.” – Best Original Score/Best Original Song

Madonna’s “W.E.” is slated to be a bigger disaster than her fake British accent, but damn does she make for great TV. So how do we get Madonna to make a walk-on? Easy, nominate this undeserving movie for some obscure category no one will care about.

George Clooney – Everything, seriously, everything

  • “Ides of March”: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay
  • “The Descendents”: Best Picture, Best Actor

There is a 100 percent chance that George Clooney will attend with the blond wrestler babe at his side, meaning a 100 percent ratings increase and a good chance he will win one award. There will be sound bites, news clips and YouTube videos for days and days. I mean, does George even need a PR firm? He’s his own PR machine.

So, sometimes, all that glitters is a diamond necklace on loan from Harry Winston.

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