What Happens in Vegas?

So, I’m back from Vegas, where I spent the holidays. I won some money at roulette, but lost my hearing at Cirque de Soliel “Love.” I didn’t know they had speakers in the back of each seat. As if the four-ton woofers, tweeters (the old-fashioned kind) and speakers placed around the theater weren’t enough!

For a while Vegas tried to be a “family” retreat – easy on the wallet with low-cost rooms and enough food on the buffet line for even Calista Flockhart to qualify as freight post-meal.

But that didn’t quite work for the Las Vegas tourism folks, so they went back to “naughty.” Ad agency R&R Partners came up with “What Happens Here Stays Here” and then a woman pulled a fast one and trademarked “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas.” What a kerfuffle among the agency, tourism board and copycat copywriter. No matter, the brand slogan is pretty accurate. Whether it’s “stays here” or “stays in Vegas,” there’s lots that should just stay there.

First, I didn’t know people smoked anymore until I walked across the 135,000 sq. ft. of Newport-stained carpeting to get to the elevator to my suite. There was smoking at the slots, at craps tables, at roulette… at every game that I love to play. There was also smoking in the lounges, bars, restaurants, shops, rooms, etc.

Second, how do these women wiggle into those glittery unitards? They strolled the casinos and lounges selling cigars and drinks like something out of the 60’s. I was waiting for Frank Sinatra to come up to one of the walking Christmas tree ornaments for a smoke and a scotch.

Third, OMG those suites! Mine had remote-controlled blinds and I almost went blind from the three (count ‘em, THREE) TVs. I even think Liberace was tinkling the keys in some corner, and the bathroom could have slept eight.

Fourth, the good food was really good. All the top chefs from “Top Chef” have joints in Vegas and they’re packed despite the $50 tab for a steak. Good thing I won some money, but I don’t know what the losers do for food. Oh, yes I do, the buffets.

Fifth, the shops. My hotel alone looked as if Rodeo Drive had switched zip codes. I tried my best to look straight ahead and I was pretty good. Only once or twice did I look into the light and buy a pair of shoes or jeans. Not so bad.

Last, Kim Kardashian was at a club in my hotel for New Year’s. Talk about this year’s biggest trending topic. And her trend looked even bigger in her next-to-nothing Herve Leger stretch-to-kill dress and Louboutin 6-inchers. The club paid about $600,000 for her to just schmooze the booze crowd. She was on the radio, she was on video, she was tweeting, she was texting. Now this is the kind of PR to die for. She was there for a whopping three hours… but I doubt Kim stayed in Vegas.

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