TRUMP NEEDS TO CHILL, PRONTO

By Risë Birnbaum

Call me nearsighted (I am), but I just do not see how anyone believes a word Donald Trump says.  The latest kerfuffle happened today (it’s a daily thing now), and involves the new luxury hotel he’s building in downtown DC.

The Washington Post recently stated there are illegal immigrants working on the hotel, so Anderson Cooper decided to ask Trump directly about the allegations.  Trump’s answer:  “I can’t guarantee that all the workers I employ have legal status in the United States, but if I were to discover any illegal immigrants…we’d get rid of them immediately.”

I guess the same illegal immigrants that Trump believes are “raping our women” are OK to have around as long as they help him put up his luxury hotels.  Remember, this is the same guy who re-tweeted that “Jeb Bush has to like Mexican illegals because of his wife.”  Where does this guy come off?  And he doesn’t regret a word.  Nope.  Not one, single word of his nonsensical rants.  He also called conservative commentator Charles Krauthammer a “rodeo clown.”  Now, Krauthammer is not my favorite guy in town and maybe he should cut down on the hair dye, too, but he sure doesn’t deserve what Trump dished out.  Neither does Jeb.

Really, folks, can anyone out there actually take their precious vote and pull the lever for this guy?  If anyone’s a clown, it’s Trump, and if our country is going to get through this election cycle, he either better take some xanax, or we should.  Some noise-cancelling headphones would help, too.

Hope for the Pope

By Risë Birnbaum

I’ve always liked the whole Pope-mobile/red shoe thing the Popes have going on (Gucci or Prada?), but never been a big fan of the Church’s silence on pedophile priests (at least up until last week!).  That said, the Pope’s latest document on global warming is pretty darn cool.

Pope Francis defends science by saying, “plenty of scientific studies point out that the last decades of global warming have been mostly caused by greenhouse gases … generated by human action.”

So, what do some of the Catholic Presidential candidates have to say about the pope’s latest scientific declaration?  Both Jeb(!) and Rick S. pretty much distanced themselves from the papal white paper.  Bush said, “I don’t get economic policy from my bishops or my cardinals or my pope.”  Santorum made it clear we need to leave science to the scientists.  Then, Bush mumbled something about the waters getting higher around Miami (hope he has an arc in mind…or at least Carnival Cruise Ships).

The thing is, this ongoing “I am not a scientist,” Republican line is beginning to wear a little thin.  Why?  Because not only are the world’s scientists the ones claiming that climate change and global warming are real, but also because Pope Francis is actually a scientist.  Yup.  The current pope earned a degree in chemistry and worked as a chemist before joining the seminary.  Put that in a pipe and smoke it.

Get this irony – many of the Republicans want to leave the science to scientists, yet they won’t listen to the factual evidence for climate change. Isn’t that what science is all about – the study and behavior of the world through observation and experiment?  Don’t we know there are facts surrounding climate change that are rock solid?  And now, they won’t listen to the Church either.  It’s obviously going to take more than heaven and earth to get these folks to listen to someone with a brain. Honestly though,

And, if the Repubs want to get millennial’s on their side they better start seriously thinking about the reality of climate change, gay marriage and evolution ‘cause these are big issues for the flip flop-wearing, texting crowd.

As for Pope Francis?  Given his views on abortion, gay marriage and climate change, I’m definitely warming towards him.  I mean, who can argue with a guy who says all dogs go to heaven? Just pray others are, too.

BYE BYE BRUCE, HELLO CAITLYN

It’s Trans-Jenner Time

Risë Birnbaum

Caitlyn Looking Coy

Just when you think you’ve heard and seen it all…there’s more.   World — meet Caitlyn.  Caitlyn is gracing the July cover of Vanity Fair and, yes, Caitlyn used to be Bruce.  Annie Leibovitz captured Caitlyn for a cover that will go down in history about a his-to-her story.

No, this is not a still from Ex Machina, it’s formerly Bruce Jenner, the worlds’ greatest Olympian, who is looking pretty hot in some lingerie.  I’m not sure she’ll be the next Victoria’s Secret model, wait — strike that.  I think Victoria’s Secret might jump all over this opp.

Remember, this is the same testosterone-fueled person who jumped higher and ran faster than any other Olympian in the world (though hormone levels have probably changed).  And now this javelin-tossing athlete is striking a pose like a 1950’s  pin-up girl.

Bruce Jenner wins the Decathlon

As the red blooded all American woman that I am, I still drool over pics of Bruce when he won Gold.  That said, I guess Bruce-turned-Caitlyn still looks pretty fetching.

I could crack jokes all day.  It’s too easy.  This is an amazing story that will hopefully liberate men and women who believe they were born the wrong sex and are determined to do something about it.  If Bruce had not become Caitlyn, he might have died.  He and his family admit that.

So, Caitlyn is waaaay out of the closet, way beyond that box of Wheaties and way beyond the limits that we place on ourselves.

Bruce was amazing at the Montreal Olympics in 1976.  But, mon dieux, Caitlyn is even more amazing on the cover of Vanity Fair in 2015.

FEE-FI-FO-FUM I SMELL THE STINK OF A FIFA BUM (OR MANY)

THE GIG IS UP FOR THE WORLD CUP

Risë Birnbaum

Wow!  Hang onto your cleats.  FIFA just became a household word.  But, def not in a good way.  Overnight, the FBI busted a whole bunch of FIFA execs who allegedly took a ton of bribes and kick-back moola to help steer media, marketing and sponsorships in the Americas worth like gatrillions.  Talk about inflated balls.

Why were our G-men able to make the bust?  Because the plans and payments were reportedly made and carried out in the U.S. — that’s why.  After all, the US TV market is like #1 in media money when it comes to the World Cup.  So, when it comes to ad dollars, The Cup runneth over.

What were some of the clues besides the fact US prosecutors smelled something rotten at FIFA for years?  One big one is that Qatar is hosting the World Cup in 2022 and the summer temps can climb to a toasty 105 degrees.  That’s schvitz city for any pro soccer star and definitely NOT a place to start kicking the ball around.  Think about it, a soccer player could play 100 minutes running up and down a 130 yard field for almost 8 miles in just ONE match.  Add 105 degree sun to that formula and I just hope the medics are on call.

As for Russia winning the Games for 2018…I’m sure some rubles changed hands, but at least there’s a much lower chance of a sand storm or heat stroke.

And for FIFA – it’s one big red card.  And a big score for the FBI.

Big Love

So, Ann Romney set out to make us comfy with hubby, Mitt. Her speech was about love, and the love that started when she met the tall, funny guy at a high school dance a long time ago. And it was about the love and bond that women have for women and the strength we all share.

Ann is a good presenter who sure knows her way around a teleprompter. She’s slim, attractive and a natural. That said, I’m not sure she was able to convince undecided voters that Mitt is just a “regular guy.” And ya gotta remember that Ann is not a “regular gal,” either. Sure she’s had medical issues and five kids, but she’s also been pampered since she was a kid, had lots of help throughout the years, horses, (two) Cadillacs and the best docs money can buy. She is not the single mom working two jobs to make ends meet and has zero idea what that’s like.

But, she did an admirable job on a stage that was beamed to millions of watchers.

Then Chris Christie took the spotlight. At first I thought I accidentally sat on my remote and was watching an episode of “The Biggest Loser.” Boy is that guy big. I recently saw him on TV on a NJ boardwalk eating an ice cream cone. Good one, Chris.

But, he’s a good speaker, too. Though, Chris talked about choosing between “love” and “respect” and he chose “respect.” Wonder how Ann felt at that moment? After all, her speech was all about love. Doesn’t anyone go through these speeches to check ‘em out before hand?

And for the first 20 minutes of Christie’s speech, I thought HE was running for President. Not one mention of Mitt Romney. What’s up with that?

I get that Christie is a regular guy who talks like a regular guy whose job it was to introduce Mitt Romney as a regular guy, but when he finally got to the Mitt Romney part of the speech, Mitt was squirming in his seat and Christie was snarling. I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack and hoped there was a doc nearby with a portable defibrillator. CLEAR!!

So, it’s up to Mitt to show the country that he’s a regular guy who can fix all our problems like a plumber and show up on time.

Can an uber-privileged guy who panders to the far right, doesn’t spill his taxes, and refuses to talk specifics fix all that needs fixin’? I don’t see it. But, maybe his magic underwear will help.